Total Drama Simulator Episode 1
by TotalDramaSimulator
Summary: Part one of many in my new Total Drama Simulator series! Everything that happens is completely determined by RNG! Credits to BranSteele's Total Drama Simulator website, available here: p?e 1


**TOTAL DRAMA SIMULATOR EPISODE 1**

NOT SO HAPPY CAMPERS - REVAMPED!

_(FADE IN on a patched-up, newly resurfaced Camp Wawanakwa, just about as "glorious" as it was left when it last met its demise. We hear CHRIS McCLAIN's voice as we travel around the many locations of the island.)_

**CHRIS: **It gives me an unfiltered sense of joy to tell you once more: _welcome back _to Camp WAWANAKWA! It's been awhile since you last joined us, but we're happy to say that not only are we back, we're more _brutal, _we're more _intense_, and we're more TOTAL DRAMA then we've ever been before! In our longstanding efforts to be new and original, we're gonna be trying something a little… _different _this season.

_(Entering, dressed as a showgirl, is CHEF.)_

**CHEF: **Different, different, different. Every season's gotta be _different _now, don't it? First you put 'em on a plane, then you turn the island into a toxic waste dump, THEN you build a new island from scrap metal and used parts. Why can't ya just have a regular old island again?

**CHRIS: **Funny you should mention that, Chef, because that's exACTLY what we're doing!

**CHEF: **Say what, now?

**CHRIS: **We're going back to where it all began, and we're bringing back our ENTIRE original cast one more time! But this season… everything they do… will be _RANDOMLY GENERATED_!

**CHEF: **...With computers?

**CHRIS: **Yes, Chef. With _computers_. The campers are all back in their old teams, the Screaming Gophers and the Killer Bass, and they're doing the same old challenges, but THIS time, the _elimination _order is new, the _relationships _are new, the _alliances_, the _betrayal_, and the _heartbreak_… that's all new! And the only one who knows how it'll happen is the _computer_. The guy doing the script? HE HAS NO IDEA UNTIL HE WRITES IT!

**CHEF: **This new development is… frightening.

**CHRIS: **Pretty wonderful thing, A.I. is, don'tcha think, Chef?

**CHEF: **..._I do not think that_.

**CHRIS: **...Huh. Well, here are our campers now!

_(The boats begin to flock in. Entering first is BETH.)_

**BETH: **Hello Chris! Hello Chef!

_(BETH smells the air.)_

Wow. That's a feeling I haven't had since the last time I was on Wawanakwa!

**CHRIS: **Nostalgia?

**BETH: **Nope! Crippling allergies!

_(BETH begins to sneeze obnoxiously. CHEF holds out an umbrella to protect CHRIS and himself.)_

**CHRIS: **...And who's that coming now! It's… Cody!

_(On another boat, CODY enters, dressed in a… uh… "stylish" pantsuit. He poses, before falling over.)_

**CODY: **Ow…

**CHRIS: **_(Trying not to laugh)_Codmeister! How's it hangin', dude?

**CODY: **It's hangin' real nice, Chris! Hangin' real nice.

**CHRIS: **That's a… real nice outfit you've got there.

**CODY: **What, this? Yeah, just the latest fall selection. This lady at the supermarket stopped me and said I was the _perfect _model for it.

**CHRIS: **Yeah, it… it really suits you.

_(CHRIS and CHEF are about to explode with laughter. CODY makes his way over to BETH, who notices his outfit.)_

**BETH: **Wow, that's really progressive of you, Cody!

**CODY: **Uh… thank you.

**BETH: **I always took you for the feminine type!

**CODY: **Pfft, feminine? Whaddya mean?

**BETH: **I mean… you're wearing a woman's outfit.

_(Suddenly it clicks in CODY. Realizing he's wearing women's clothing on live TV, he quickly rips it off, revealing he'd been wearing his regular clothing underneath the whole time.)_

**CODY: **GET IT OFF ME! GET IT OFF MEE!

**CHRIS: **Oh, you are gonna be a _riot _this season, pal.

**CODY: **...Good to be back.

_(Entering on the next boat is GWEN.)_

**CHRIS: **Also back for our entertainment, it's _Gwen_!

**GWEN: **...Hip hip hooray. Isn't it wonderful news?  
**CHRIS: **I'm detecting sarcasm, but I assure you, it is! Don't know how you do it, man, but you bump up our ratings by 300k!

_(GWEN says nothing. __**CUT TO CONFESSIONAL**__.)_

**GWEN: **Look. I'm _so _thrilled I have fans. But if I had my way, I wouldn't be doing this past day three of season one. Little advice… when you sign up for a reality TV show… _read the contracts_.

_(__**CUT BACK. **__Entering next is HEATHER, somehow accompanied by an evil lightning strike. CHRIS and CHEF jump at this.)_

**CHRIS: **Huh. That's weird. Not a cloud in sight. Welcome back, Queen of Mean, Heather!

**HEATHER: **_(Eyeing the others) _Some. Welcome party. ...Ohhhh. Hello _Gwen_. Looks like we're on the same team again, huh? That means I can keep an eye on you when you _sleep_.

**GWEN: **Ohhh. Hello _Heather_. I look forward to ruining your haircut _all over again_.

**HEATHER: **Look, freak. I know _you _couldn't care less about competition, but _I _for one am back here to claim the million dollars that is rightfully mine. So you better-

_(BETH has grown tired of this, and blurts out at HEATHER.)  
_**BETH: **Listen Heather-Zilla! You've been here for ten seconds, and already nobody wants to hear it!

**HEATHER: **I… _Hmph! _

_(HEATHER walks away.)_

**GWEN: **_(To BETH) _...God. Thank you. I couldn't take much more of that.

_(Entering next is an empty boat.)_

**CHRIS: **Please welcome… Izzy!

_(A beat. Nothing is on the boat.)_

...Uh… Izzy? Did we already lose Izzy?

_(Suddenly. A splash is heard in the distance. We look over to see IZZY, now jumping through the water with a pool of dolphins. She does a triple flip before sticking the landing on the dock. She laughs.)_

**IZZY: **El Dolfín sticks the landing!

_(She makes dolphin noises, and the rest of the dolphins swim away.)_

**CHRIS: **Welcome back to the show, Izzy!

**IZZY: ...**Hm? You are talking to me? Who is this Izzy?

**CHRIS: **...Oh nards, not this again. Ehem… welcome back… El Dolfín.

**IZZY: **El Dolfín thanks you! Agagagee!

**CHRIS: **That won't get aggravating _real fast_. Next up… please welcome back… _Justin_!

_(The boat opens and light shines graciously onto it. JUSTIN steps off, posing. The girls gawk at him.)_

**BETH: **Oh no, I'm not falling for this agaaaa…

_ (She gives up)_

Aw, heck with it! I love me some man meat…

**JUSTIN: **_(In a terrible Spanish accent) _Hola.

**BETH: **Uh… awhat.

**JUSTIN: **Me yamo Justin, y… I'm back again. Mas _stylish _than ever.

**HEATHER: **What are you doing?

**JUSTIN: **No se what tu mean.

**GWEN: **Are you… trying to speak Spanish?

**JUSTIN: **Uh…

_(__**CUT TO CONFESSIONAL.)**_

Alright, look. They haven't let me back since Action, I can't imagine _why_. And my gorgeous schtick had since kind of run short. Then comes Season 3, and that Alejandro guy _steals _my act, and it works! I was doing everything he was, save _one _thing… the guy was from… Chile, or something? So I took up a little Spanish… cuz if he can win with it… then so can I. And when that fails…

_(__**CUT BACK**_**. **_JUSTIN takes off his shirt. The girls gawk once more.)_

I'm sorry, were you saying something?

**GWEN: **A...awha?

_(JUSTIN returns his shirt to his chest.)  
_**JUSTIN: **...Bueno.

_(Another boat arrives, and LESHAWNA gets off of it.)_

**LESHAWNA: **Alllright, gang! Move it or lose it, 'cuz _Leshawna_ is back, and she's _ready _to take a win!

**CHRIS: **Welcome back to the island, Leshawna! Ready to play the game with your _original _team?

**LESHAWNA: **Sorrywhat?

**CHRIS: **We're doin' a throwback season. You're back on the Screaming Gophers!

**LESHAWNA: **_(Eying HEATHER) _Y'mean… I gotta work with _her _again?

**HEATHER: **Oh, barf. Like being on a team with _you_ is all fine and dandy.

**LESHAWNA: **Girl, lemme tell you somethin'. This is the best thing that coulda happened to you, because if we were on _opposite _teams, I would beat you so hard you'd be _crying _to your daddy.

**HEATHER: **Get ready to hurt, Bootyzilla.

**LESHAWNA: **_What _did you call me?!

_(The argument is cut short by the sound of a girl screaming. Cut to see this is actually LINDSAY, arriving from a boat, screaming for joy_._)_

**LINDSAY: **Ohmygosh, I never thought I'd see this place again! It's so great to be in France!

**CHRIS: **Welcome back, Lindsay! But… this is not france.

**LINDSAY: **_(Pointing at GWEN) _Then why are there mimes here?

**GWEN: **Oh, _zing_.

**CHRIS: **You're back on Camp Wawanakwa, Linds! The old stomping ground! Just as smelly and mucky and DIRTY as ever!

**LINDSAY: **Dirty?!

_(LINDSAY screams again.)_

**LESHAWNA: **Do we need to get her a muffler?

_(Entering the next boat is OWEN, holding NOAH up in his arms.)_

**NOAH: **Put me down, you overweight baboon!

**OWEN: **Jump in with me, little buddy! CANNONBALL!

**NOAH: **I'M NOT READY TO LEAVE THIS WORLD!

_(The two of them jump out of the boat, but the water is too shallow to land in.)_

**CHRIS: **Welcome back to the Island, Owen and Noah!

_(OWEN quickly gets up.)_

**OWEN: **Woohooo! What a wipeout, huh Noah?! ...Noah?

_(OWEN picks NOAH up. He has been flattened by OWEN's weight.)_

**NOAH: **Ahaaa, _no, keep your shoes on, it's an old rug anyway…_

**OWEN: **_(Bringing him to the dock) _Maybe you should've skipped the salmon, buddy.

**CHRIS: **And last for the Screaming Gophers, please welcome back… Trent!

_(The final Screaming Gopher boat enters, and TRENT walks off of it.)_

**TRENT: **Ahah man, this island looks like it hasn't aged a day.

**CHEF: **And thanks to lazy animation, neither do any of you!

**CHRIS: **What was that, Chef?

**CHEF: **Uh… I mean… grumble grumble grumble.

**TRENT: **Hey, everyone. Lindsay, Leshawna… h-hey, Gwen.

**GWEN: **Oh… uh… hi!

**TRENT: **So… you… still seeing Duncan?

**GWEN: **Hmm? Oh, no… we broke up last season. He got a bit too inmate for me, y'know?

**TRENT: **Ah. Yeah, yeah that's pretty bogus. But… we're still cool, right?

**GWEN: **...Right. We're cool.

_(The two of them bump fists)_

As long as you're not thinking about-

**TRENT: **I know what you're gonna say, and no. Nine is _just _a number. That's it.

**GWENT: **Well. That's…

_(She pokes him in the chest nine times.)_

W-o-n-d-e-r-f-u-l.

**CHRIS: **And now, we welcome the OTHER half of our campers… From the Killer Bass… it's Bridgette!

_(The boat enters, but BRIDGETTE is not on it… rather, she is surfing the waves it is making. She lands on the pier, surfboard in hand.)_

**BRIDGETTE: **_(Waving to the boat) _Thanks, man!

**CHRIS: **_(Approaching her) _Welcome back to the show, Bridgette!

**BRIDGETTE: **Hi, Chris- wait. I've learned this lesson!

_(She tilts her board so it is vertical, not horizontal, and THEN she turns around.) _

**BRIDGETTE:** Got it covered. It's kind of cool being back here again without an Aftermath job waiting for me. And no Spanish hunks to tie my tongue to a poll.

**JUSTIN: **Aha. Si. No punkos!

**BRIDGETTE: **...What are you doing?

**JUSTIN: **I'm, uh… _serenadando _you. Is it… is it working?

**BRIDGETTE: **Not really, no.

**JUSTIN: **Ay. No bueno. D-did I mention how hot I am?

**BRIDGETTE: **Oh, no! I've learned that one too. I _have _a boyfriend.

_(Entering from the next boat is GEOFF.)_

**GEOFF: **Riiight oooon duuuuuudes!

_(Embracing BRIDGETTE)_

What a ride, eh babe? I missed you.

**BRIDGETTE: **I missed _you_!

_(The two of them begin making out.)_

**CHRIS: **We… we could've bunked you the same ride, dudes.

**GEOFF: **But _then_, the reunion wouldn't have been so righteous.

**BRIDGETTE: **That is _so_… _sweet_.

**GEOFF: **_You _are so sweet.

_(They continue making out.)_

**NOAH: **...The boat ride was twenty minutes.

**CHRIS: **Next up, welcome back… _Courtney_!

_(COURTNEY enters from the next boat. She storms straight to CHRIS with documents in hand.)_

**COURTNEY: **Do you know what the number _four _means, McClain?

**CHRIS: **Y'mean the number after three, before five? Or some _other _four-

**COURTNEY: **MY CONTRACT SAYS _FOUR _seasons. Island, Action, World Tour, All-Stars. We're through. I shouldn't _be _here!

**CHRIS: **Au contraire, Miss C.I.T! Need I remind you… _you _were only _contracted _for THREE seasons!

**COURTNEY: **What?! But I _just _said-

**CHRIS: **You were _not _set to appear in Total Drama Action, dude. You inserted YOURSELF into that debacle. And now _we're _bringing you back, because we need EVERYBODY from Season 1 in this game, for better or for worse.

**COURTNEY: **But… I… YOU-

**CHRIS: **If you'd like, I'll gladly let you take it up with our legal department.

_(CHEF takes a briefcase and smashes it over his head. COURTNEY gasps.)_

**COURTNEY: **F-fine! But don't think I'm going to enjoy it here!

**CHRIS: **I wasn't.

_(Exiting from the next boat is DJ.)_

Please welcome back, DJ!

_(DJ is very reluctant to step foot on the pier. He is eventually pushed off of the boat by its driver, and upon realizing he is now on the island, screams, and climbs on top of the lifeguard's chair.)_

Deej. Buddy. Playin' The Floor is Lava?

**DJ: **I can't bear to step a foot on this island!

**NOAH: **Join the club, we've got jackets.

**DJ: **This place is givin' off straight negative energy, man! It's been filled up with toxic waste and dumped in the ocean… killin' all those innocent little critters!

**CHRIS: **You can't just chill in the lifeguard's chair for the whole season, dude. You've got challenges to complete!

**COURTNEY: **We are _not _losing the first challenge _again_ because you can't stand on two feet!

**DJ: **Well… okay, but I've gotta say some prayers, first, to cleanse the place enough to walk on it without riskin' my life!

_(__**CUT TO CONFESSIONAL**__)_

Holy spirit. Get me through this long enough to see my Mama at the end of the month. After three seasons of this nightmare, _who _would wanna keep signing up?! ...But… I gotta contract… and Mama doesn't have a lawyer. So right now, objective number one is… survive!

_(__**CUT BACK. **__Entering on the next boat is DUNCAN, clad in an orange jumpsuit. Rock music plays from seemingly nowhere.)_

**CHRIS: **Also returning for the Killer Bass is bad boy Duncan!

**COURTNEY/GWEN: **Oh, _great_.

**CHRIS: **_(To DUNCAN) _Now listen here, dude. We had to pull a _lot _of strings to get you back on here after that little stunt you pulled last season. Let's try to keep things _legal_, okay? Doesn't have to be morally right, just… _legal_.

**DUNCAN: **If you insist. New season, new me, man.

**CHRIS: **This is _not _a suggestion, bro. One rule-break and you're off. And you're not winning that cash.

**DUNCAN: **Oh, boohoo. No million dollars for me. How will I ever cope with that money I can't have in jail.

**CHRIS: **Million? Oh, no, my delinquent amigo. The stakes are a bit higher this time around.

_(CHEF drags on a tray of briefcases.)_

Netflix partnerships go a long way in this business.

**OWEN: **Woooow. That's like… a whole _room _full of lawyers worth of briefcases!

**CHRIS: **Each one of these twenty cases each contains… _FIFTY. MILLION. DOLLARS. _All together, that's-

**CAST/OWEN: **ONE BILLION DOLLARS! / A WHOLE LOTTA MOOLAH- Oh, yeah. One billion dollars.

**CHRIS: **...Yes. Way to steal my thunder there, guys. One billion dollars! Just to keep you going. I know you're spirits are constantly declining. With mine increasing, _somebody _had to counteract that balance. But yeah, there's your cash! Enticed now, juvy boy? I believe this covers your bail and then some.

**DUNCAN: **...You've piqued my interest. I'll play your game, McClain. But if _you _make me sing-

**CHRIS: **No singing, _just _RANDOM SCENARIOS.

**DUNCAN: **...I see.

_(__**CUT TO CONFESSIONAL.**__)_

After so many seasons, one million dollars kinda loses its spunk, y'know? But a _billion _dollars? That may just be enough to keep me going. Consider me back in the game.

_(__**CUT BACK. **__The next boat enters, revealing EVA.)_

**CHRIS: **Making her return for the first time since season one, it's… Eva!

_(EVA, eyebrows furrowed, makes her way to the dock. CODY walks up to her.)_

**CODY: **Welcome back, Eva! Good to-

_(EVA lashes out.)_

**EVA: **WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!

_(CODY screams and cowers. EVA composes herself)_

I mean… thank you. Sorry. Do you need a hand?

_(EVA offers a hand to help CODY up. He is completely baffled. He accepts the hand and is shocked to see that she has actually helped him up.)_

**CODY: **Uh… thank you!

**EVA: **Of course. No problem. Sportsmanship, right? Heheh. Heeh...

_(The rest of the cast, CHRIS and CHEF included, are astounded. __**CUT TO CONFESSIONAL.)**_

Okay… look. I got eliminated second. And then I came back… and I got eliminated again. Then when they stop bringing you back… you figure you might be the common denominator. And… I really wanna win this time around. I want it so bad… I could _MURDER EVERYBODY HERE TO- _…

_(EVA breathes.)_

Namaste. Happy place. ...Sorry. I've started taking anger management classes. In the hopes of… keeping my temper long enough to last through the season. But I tell yah, it's getting so… freaking… _HARD_… Namaste. Namaste. ...I'll make it last. I am above my emotions.

_(__**CUT BACK.**__ A boat labeled "Animal Control" arrives.)_

**TRENT: **Uhh… does that boat say _"Animal Control?" _

**CHRIS: **It does indeed! When we say _everybody _is coming back, we really mean _everybody_. Including… Ezekiel!

_(As the boat arrives, a man in a protection suit carries on FERAL ZEKE. The cast shutters.)_

Since our first season, Zeke hasn't been… quite himself lately. But don't worry… I'm sure he's going to be _quite _the help!

_(The man hands ZEKE over to DJ and quickly runs away. ZEKE growls.)_

**COURTNEY: **We can't win challenges with that- that _thing _running around our team the whole time!

**CHRIS: **His _name _is Zeke. _Z-E-K-E_. Trying to be politically correct here.

_(HAROLD arrives on the next boat. He notices the island.)_

**HAROLD: **No toxic waste… no robotic infrastructure… just a regular, metamorphic island… sigh.

**CHRIS: **Welcome back to Wawanakwa, Harold  
**HAROLD: **This season's really bogus, dude. The next logical step was an island in the sky, preferably rocket-powered, and we'd have to use jetpacks to get everywhere as is predicted to become the new norm-

_(HAROLD feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to see DUNCAN)_

Excuse me, I'm not finished.

**DUNCAN: **Eh, I'd say you're done.

**HAROLD: **But I've planned out this entire fortress in my hea-

_(DUNCAN clocks HAROLD square in the face.) _

Ah, that's what you meant-

_(HAROLD falls unconscious. COURTNEY gives DUNCAN a nasty look.)_

**DUNCAN: **What, you complainin'?

**COURTNEY: **...If it were anyone else.

_(The next boat carries KATIE and SADIE.) _

**CHRIS: **Also returning for the very first time since season one are KATIE and SADIE!

**KATIE: **Ohmygosh, Sadie! Look at the island! Doesn't it look _just _like it was when we were here in Season One?!

**SADIE: **Ohmygosh, yes! There's the cabins, and there's the forest! Oooh! And there's that spot where a raccoon tried to eat my face! It hasn't aged a DAY!

_(__**CUT TO CONFESSIONAL. **__KATIE and SADIE are in the booth together.)_

**KATIE: **Sadie and I have had a lot of time to talk strategy since we were voted off last time.

**SADIE: **She was gone _really _fast, but then I stayed for a couple episodes and THEN… I also got voted off pretty fast.

**KATIE: **But we've got a BRILLIANT plan for this time around! We're going to the finals TOGETHER!

**SADIE: **Yeah, yeah! And then we won't even have to HAVE a final episode, we'll just split the prize money evenly between us!

**KATIE: **Oooh, yeah! And then we can use the money to-

**KATIE/SADIE: **Go to that really cool SPA we saw on our way to Reno!

_(The two giggle with excitement.)_

**SADIE: **There's no way this will go wrong!

_(__**CUT BACK.**__ TYLER is the last to arrive. He stops himself on his way down, knowing exactly what he did wrong last time, and moves a foot before he can crash.)_

**GEOFF: **Woah, impressive dismount, dude!

**TYLER: **Thanks, man. All in a day's work.

_(__**CUT TO CONFESSIONAL.**__)_

New season, same as the first? This is great! I can do everything all over again, but this time, I'll know what's comin'! I went back and watched Island FOURTEEN TIMES, so there's no WAY I'll forget any of my old wipeouts! Check this!

_(TYLER steps slightly to the left. The roof collapses to his right. He is unharmed.)_

SEE?! I'm invincible! Right on, man!

_(A bear's roar is heard from off. TYLER jumps.)_

Eheh. Thing is… there's no accounting for brand new wipeouts. Future Tyler, if you're watching this, bro… won't letcha down!

_(__**CUT BACK**__.)_

**CHRIS: **Twenty-two original campers. Welcome back to the ORIGINAL. CAMP WAWANAKWA!

_(Beat. Nothing.)_

Seriously? Nothing?

**BRIDGETTE: **Are you expecting us to be excited?

**NOAH: **The duration of this show has been nothing but pain and despair. Forgive us if we're a bit _hesitant_.

**CHRIS: **Nothing a _billion dollars _won't keep you going for! You will be competing in the same original twenty-five challenges. All you have that's new is your own hindsight that only six seasons of experience can give you. Nobody's fate is certain, and the results are completely random! Now stop me if you've heard this one before… EVERYBODY GET INTO YOUR SWIM TRUNKS AND RACE TO THE TOP OF THE CLIFF!

_(CHRIS and CHEF zoom off in a golf cart to the cliff. The cast sighs.)_

**GWEN: **First challenge of the season was… high-diving.

_(Fast-forward in time to when the cast is at the top of the cliff.)_

**CHRIS: **SUPER high-diving!

**OWEN: **_(Now a bit queasy) _Super DUPER high-diving…

**CHRIS: **Everybody remembers their first. This is a three-step challenge. In part one, campers must jump off a one-thousand foot high cliff into the water, which is infested with psychotic, man-eating, recently-brought-back-to-normalness sharks!

_(The sharks surface and laugh maniacally at the campers.)_

In the dangerous water is a small safe zone for campers to jump into. Campers who do not jump must wear a chicken hat for the remainder of the day. The team with more jumpers receives four wagons to help them with the next part of the challenge!

**COURTNEY: **_(To her team) _Wagons which THIS time.. _We'll_ be getting, capiche?

**DUNCAN: **Who died and made you captain?

**COURTNEY: **I am simply _stating _what needs to be said-

**CHRIS: **_TALKING_! In part two, teams must take four crates back to camp and open them with their teeth. In part _three_, teams must take the supplies from their crates and build a hot tub. The team with the better hot tub, as decided by yours truly, wins invincibility and gets to keep their hot tub.

**BETH: **Are you gonna be explaining the challenges all over again _every time_?

**CHRIS: **If I feel like it, yes. And I often do-I'm quite fond of the sound of my own voice. Alright, campers… LET'S GET DIVING!

_(The challenge begins!)_

**HEATHER: **_(To her team) _Okay, people. NOBODY better chicken out. We've already done this EXACT competition already, therefore we know it is possible.

**LESHAWNA: **Thanks for _statin' _the obvious, hun. I'm sayin' the same thing. Not agreein' with you, just statin' that same idea.

**HEATHER: **Well then, if you're saying it, why don't you go first?

**LESHAWNA: **Oh, please, girl. After you.

**HEATHER: **I… insist!

_(HEATHER pushes LESHAWNA, who, before falling, grabs HEATHER's leg. The two fall together, into the ring. They are followed shortly after by GWEN, TRENT, and BETH.) _

**COURTNEY: **Seriously, team. We _cannot_ lose the first challenge _again_. We're better than that, aren't we?

_(Beat. FERAL ZEKE howls.)_

Right. But for real, people. Nobody better chicken out this time! Or you'll regret it!

_(COURTNEY runs to the edge, and quickly stops right before she jumps. She chickens, and turns around. DUNCAN is standing between her and safety.)_

**DUNCAN: **Something wrong, Princess?  
**COURTNEY: **Call me that again, I _dare _you.

**DUNCAN: **You seemed to _hesitate _there. You aren't… _chickening _out, are you?  
**COURTNEY: **What?! No, I-

**DUNCAN: **In fact, I seem to remember… this can't be possible, but… I think it was _you _who chickened out the first time!

**COURTNEY: **Well, maybe I did, but-

**DUNCAN: **But you're a C.I.T! And you're PERFECT in every WAY! There's NO POSSIBLE WAY YOU COULD-

_(COURTNEY, having enough of this, knees DUNCAN in the kiwis. The rest of the bass gasp. DUNCAN falls, bringing COURTNEY along with him. The two land in the ring. __**CUT TO CONFESSIONAL.)**_

So I might've gotten a little _carried _away. What can I say? Suddenly everything I didn't like about her came rushing back to me.

_(__**CUT TO ANOTHER CONFESSIONAL.**__)_

**COURTNEY: **What's the worst part about coming back to this island? Ending up on the same team as _DUNCAN _again. I almost forgot how much I _loathe _his very BEING. Of course, our team will be winning every challenge from here on out. But as soon as we make it to merge, he is going DOWN!

_(__**CUT BACK. **__BRIDGETTE, GEOFF, DJ and EVA all jump into the ring. TYLER looks to the pier.)_

**TYLER: **No buoys… I'm good!

_(He jumps, woohooing to the ground.)_

I'm king of the world!

_(Suddenly, sharks appear above him. He screams. Pan back up to the other campers-TYLER's screams are heard, but not seen.)_

**LINDSAY: **I don't think I can do this challenge, guys… this is a higher dive than I've had to jump in my entire _life_!

**NOAH: **Oh, that? That's not a dive. That's the elevator to the… uh… shoes store.

**LINDSAY: **_(Gasping) _This is where that is?! I've been looking all over for this! Thanks, Tyler!

_(She hugs him and jumps into the water.)_

Wheeee!

(_NOAH makes a barf face.)_

**OWEN: **Little buddy… I don't know if I can go through with this. One death-defying plummet is enough for one lifetime.

**NOAH: **Look, Owen. Allow me to say this in the nicest way possible.

_(NOAH pushes OWEN off the cliff. OWEN screams.)  
_**OWEN: **THAAANKS BUDDYYYYYY…

_(__**CUT TO CONFESSIONAL.**__)_

**NOAH: **Look. If I had a nickel for every team I wanted to be on… I'd be about as rich as I am now. But I am of the opinion that my skills up to this point have been greatly underappreciated. So I'm learning t-t-t-t…

_(He struggles to say the word.)_

T-t-t-t-t… t-t-t-t-teeeam… t-t-t-t-t-team… wo… sportsmanship. And I'm taking that tub of lard with me to the finals… No small order, I know. Then again, _nothing _about Owen is small.

_(__**CUT BACK.**__ NOAH jumps into the lake.)_

**JUSTIN: **I know _exactly _what comes next. I'm not looking to sprain my shins again defying _death_. These bad boys have an hour-long session as soon as I'm out of here.

**IZZY: **You no jump?

**JUSTIN: **Uh… repite?

**IZZY: **THEN MOVE OUT OF EL DOLFIN's WAY!

_(JUSTIN shrieks and jumps into the water. IZZY follows him shortly afterwards, nose diving. She emerges, once again plunging through the water like a dolphin.)_

My people! FLOCK TO ME!

_(The sharks approach IZZY. They encircle her.)_

You are no dolphins. What, you challenge me?

_(The sharks say nothing.)_

You will regret this. HIIIYAH!

_(Cut back to the top of the mountain. CODY and HAROLD gaze to the bottom.)_

**CODY: **Does this cliff seem _higher _than last time?

**HAROLD: **All things lose retention with time. It's very likely you've subconsciously repressed the last time you've had to plunge this deep into the water. I assume that'll make this fall even more difficult for you. You have my pity.

_(HAROLD plunges.)_

Aweeesooooooome!

_(CODY does not jump. He gulps.)_

**SADIE: **Katie… I don't think I can do this!

**KATIE: **Come on, Katie! We're gonna be _tougher _this season, remember?

**SADIE: **Right… Mhm. Tougher… Oh god…

**KATIE: **We'll jump together. On three. Ready?

**SADIE: **Uh…

**KATIE: **One. Two. ...THREE!

_(KATIE jumps into the water. SADIES does not.)_

**KATIE: **Wha- SADIE!

**CHRIS: **The Screaming Gophers have all but ONE of their campers in the ring! The Killer Bass are still missing two!

**KATIE: **Sadie! You didn't jump!

**SADIE: **Like, I knooooow!

**COURTNEY: **Get your butt in the water PRONTO! We are _not _losing again!

**SADIE: **I'm… I'm sorry, it's just… _too steep_!

**CHRIS: **Fine by me. But you have to wear this hat!

_(CHRIS sets a chicken hat on SADIE's head.)_

**SADIE: **Okay… that's fine.

**KATIE: **Earth to Sadie! You! Me! Everything together! Remember?

**SADIE: **Yes, I remember! But I… I _can't _right now! I'm sorry.

**HEATHER: **_(Yelling up to CODY) _Hey, Dweeb! We're waiting on you to _jump_!

**CODY: **Ha… we've got enough people already, right? I think I'll just… head down-

**GWEN: **Cody, if you _jump _now we will _win _the challenge! Just get down here!

_(__**CUT TO CONFESSIONAL.**__)_

**CODY: **See, in any other scenario, if Gwen was telling me to get down here, I'd do it like THAT. Uh… sorry Sierra. But this one… I can't go through with it two times.

_(__**CUT BACK.)**_

I can't do it.

_(CHRIS and CHEF imitate chickens before putting a hat on CODY. He sulks down the mountain.)_

**CHRIS: **Both the Bass and the Gophers have one chicken! But the Bass are still one man short!

_(FERAL ZEKE stands at the top of the mountain.)_

**COURTNEY: **You're kidding.

**GEOFF: **If you wanna win, dude, your only option's standing at the top.

**COURTNEY: **Ezekiel! Come on down!

_(ZEKE does not come down.)_

**BRIDGETTE: **Come on, Zeke! The water's fine!

**TYLER: **There's some fish down here that must be _really _tasty!

_(ZEKE does not come down.)_

**COURTNEY: **LISTEN HERE YOU FERAL FREAK! YOU BETTER GET DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW, OR YOU'LL REGRET IT IN THROUGH NEXT THURSDAY!  
_(ZEKE, frightened, runs down the mountain.)_

Hey! Get back here!

**DUNCAN: **Looks like you scared him off.

**COURTNEY: **I know what it looks like! Just bring him back here and-

**CHRIS: **I'm afraid it's too late for that, dude! Zeke's run to the bottom. He's chickened out!

**COURTNEY: **Aw, come on!

**CHRIS: **The Killer Bass have two chickens! The Screaming Gophers win the first challenge!

_(The Gophers cheer. CHEF grabs FERAL ZEKE and straps a chicken hat to his head. He begins biting at it, trying to rip it off.)_

You will be given four wagons for your death-defying efforts!

_(CHEF grabs four wagons and throws it to the Gophers.) _

Part two!

**BETH: **Crate-hauling!

**LESHAWNA: **_(Loading cargo) _Right! Second verse, same as first! Come on, gang!  
_(The Gophers casually begin loading the crates into their wagons.)_

**BRIDGETTE: **_(Sighing) _Well, team… we may have lost the battle, but we can still win the war! It's all about building the _superior _hot tub.

**GEOFF: **Would _really _dig that hot tub right now.

**EVA: **Here, I've got this.

_(EVA grabs two crates. She furiously lifts them into her arms and ends up carrying them quite nonchalantly. The rest of the team is flabbergasted.)_

**DJ: **Uh… way to go, Eva!

**EVA: **This? This is nothing. All in the name of teamwork! ...Heh.

_(EVA carries her crates happily. The rest of the team is amazed. __**CUT TO CONFESSIONAL.**__)_

**BRIDGETTE: **Something's _different _about Eva. I think she's actually kind of… _improved_? Like, as a person. She's alright.

_(__**CUT BACK **__to the Screaming Gophers.)  
_**OWEN: **_(To NOAH) _Man, isn't this _great_? Getting the old gang back together! Takes me all the way back to season one. We had some good times…

_(OWEN is reminiscing on the time he ate an entire plate of ribs during the cooking challenge.)_

**NOAH: **Wouldn't know. I was out day three. Listen, big guy.

_(NOAH pulls OWEN back behind the rest of the team a little)_

You want to make it to the finals again, right?

**OWEN: **I mean, I'm cool either way-

**NOAH: **Yeah yeah, that's nice. _I _vote that THIS season, we rethink our strategy a little bit.

**OWEN: **We had a strategy?

**NOAH: **Exactly. Listen… we're gonna have to try to use tea… t-t-teeamwo… ta-ta-ta…

**OWEN: **...Buddy. Are you trying to say teamwork-

**NOAH: **COOPERATION! Yes. Cooperation. We build as _many _alliances as we can fit ourselves into. That way, we'll _never _be voted off.

**OWEN: **Ooohh. I gotcha. How do we win 'em over? Perhaps make it official with a traditional Native Canadian spit shake.

_(OWEN drenches his hand in spit and offers it to NOAH, who slowly puts his arm down.)_

**NOAH: **Yeah. Maybe you should let _me _do the talking.

_(NOAH begins to approach his teammates, whispering into their ears one by one. He appeals to BETH and LINDSAY, then to JUSTIN, and then to LESHAWNA. He tries to whisper to IZZY, but she just kinda… goes with it. Pan back to the Killer Bass, where DJ is doing his best to keep ZEKE from attacking the other campers.)_

**DJ: **There there, Zeke. Try and keep your cool, little buddy.

_(ZEKE tries to jump at SADIE. She screams. DJ pulls him back)_

Hey, no! Bad Zeke!

**SADIE: **Eeep! DJ! Could you, like, keep him under control or something?

**DJ: **I'm tryin! Dude's literally a wild animal. He's not exactly showing a lot of restraint.

**COURTNEY: **The minute we lose our first challenge, we are voting that _thing _off as quick as possible!

**DJ: **Hey! He didn't ask to be rabified and primalized or whatever. Like all forest creatures, dude can be chilled with yummies. Anybody bring any snacks?

**HAROLD: **_(Reaching into his pocket) _I brought some nutrient vitamins. They're pretty filling if you know how to use them.

**DJ: **It'll have to work.

_(DJ shoves the vitamins into ZEKE's mouth. He swallows, and promptly passes out)_

Uh…

_(HAROLD looks surprised. He looks at the container. It reads "Easy Sleep Pills.")_

**HAROLD: **Huh. I could've sworn I brought the gummies.

**DJ: **Well… that's one way to do it, I guess.

_(The Screaming Gophers have made it to the cabins.)_

**HEATHER: **Oh, _great_. Same old season, same old ratchet, smelly, grimy cabins.

**OWEN: **I know.

_(Pause.)_

It's good to be home!

_(OWEN begins to run over to the cabins. TRENT grabs him by the collar.)_

**TRENT: **Hang on, big guy. It won't be the same until we build the hot tub.

**OWEN: **Oh, heheh. Yeah. Challenge. ..._You will not escape me for much longer… kitchen._

_(The CAMPERS begin to gnaw the crates open with their teeth. JUSTIN is miming opening the boxes, but is actually avoiding any actual labor to avoid chipping his teeth.)_

**CODY: **Hey, what are you doing?

**JUSTIN: **Uh… no comprendo que you meano, compadre.

**CODY: **You're not actually _trying _to open a crate!

**JUSTIN: **Eheh, uh…

_(JUSTIN removes his shirt.)_

I'm not sure what you mean.

_(The girls gawk. CODY is unaffected.)_

**CODY: **I don't swing that way, dude.

**JUSTIN: **_(Returning his shirt to his chest) _Eh, coulda fooled me.

_(__**CUT TO CONFESSIONAL.**__)_

**CODY: **...I don't!

_(__**CUT BACK**__. The Bass have just arrived.) _

**GEOFF: **They're already at it, dudes! Let's get gnawing!

_(The Bass furiously begin ripping open the crates as well as they can. We're getting Deja Vu, here. The Gophers do things pretty swimmingly. The Bass struggle to get things done on time. CHRIS rides over in a golf cart.)_

**CHRIS: **Time is running low, campers! Let's get those hot tubs _rolling_!

_(DUNCAN begins attempting to place a pipe in one place.)_

**COURTNEY: **Duncan, that doesn't _go _there.

**DUNCAN: **I think I know what I'm doing, _hun_.

**COURTNEY: **Give me that.

_(COURTNEY reaches for the pipe. The two of them begin to fight over it. EVA grabs the itches between them and grabs the pipe, twisting it in place. She walks away.)_

**DUNCAN: **See? I was right.

**COURTNEY: **You were _putting it on the wrong way_. Gosh!

_(COURTNEY walks away.)_

**GEOFF: **_(To DUNCAN) _Are the two of you _ever _gonna can it, dude?  
**DUNCAN: **I can shut her up whenever I want.

**GEOFF: **Then why not do it?

**DUNCAN: **What can I say? Seeing her get pissed like that is the only thing keeping me entertained.

**GEOFF: **Yeah, right, bro. That's all.

**DUNCAN: **Hey, I'm over her, alright? Can't stand the chick. Bringing her any inconvenience is… payback.

**GEOFF: **Whatever you say, dude.

**DUNCAN: **I'm serious!  
**CHRIS: **Attention campers! You have ONE MINUTE!  
_(Intense music kicks in as the teams struggle to put the finishing touches on their hot tubs. Finally…)_

TIME! Hands off the tubs, dudes! Let's see your handiwork!

_(CHRIS checks the Bass's hot tub. It's… alright.)_

Decent handiwork…

_(CHRIS dips a finger into the water.)_

Not exactly a _hot _tub, but it gets the job done. Well done, Bass!  
_(CHRIS makes his way over to the other hot tub. It is stunning)_

And how about the ba-ha-ha-HELLO! That is a _killer _hot tub. Are… are those _rose petals _shaped like my face?  
**TRENT: **We ran through the challenge all over again so we figured we'd step up our game a little.

**CHRIS: **This isn't a step up, my friend. You've climbed the whole _STAIRCASE_! This challenge goes to the **Screaming Gophers**!

_(The gophers cheer.)_

**LESHAWNA: **So we get to use this hot tub for the whole season again, right?

**CHRIS: **Are you KIDDING?! After seeing your handiwork, you really think I'd let you keep this thing to yourselves? Chef and I could use this in a trailer lot of our own!

_(CHEF drives in on a forklift and takes the hot tub.)_

**OWEN: **But… but… _bubbles_…

**CHRIS: **But you still get invincibility! Bass. Two for two. Not lookin' good. You'll be voting someone off tonight.

**COURTNEY: **NOOOOOOO!

**CHRIS: **I'll see you back at the campfire for a trip down memory lane! For one of you, it'll be a trip down to the dock of shame! Enjoy the night, campers… it may be _your last_!

_(CHRIS drives away. The campers begin to file into their cabins.)_

**OWEN: **...Bubbles…

_(Pan to the food court. BETH, LINDSAY, JUSTIN, LESHAWNA, IZZY, NOAH, and OWEN all sit at one table.)_

**BETH: **We may officially call this meeting of the Big Fat Screaming Gophers alliance to order!

**LINDSAY: **We might want to work on that name a little. It's like… a bajillion syllables.

**NOAH: **Yeah, listen. We all want to last as long as we can, this is the way to do it.

**JUSTIN: **What a grupo to get together. Begs the question. Por que us?

**NOAH: **_We're _the only ones we can trust. Let's be honest. The others aren't likely to last long.

**LESHAWNA: **Mmm, gotta say, with Heather, I'm on board with that. But _Gwen _and _Trent_ are JUST as reliable as anybody at this table.

**JUSTIN: **Gwen is a dangerous partner. If you want her kissing _your _boyfriend, you go join an alliance with her.

**LESHAWNA: **That was a _phase_, we don't talk about that.

**NOAH: **All in favor of inviting goth girl.

_(LESHAWNA raises her hand. A beat. BETH raises her hand)_

Right.

**LESHAWNA: **I'm not sure how I'm feelin' about this alliance.

**NOAH: **If you'd like, you can leave right now. Can't promise you'll get very far, but hey. I've been wrong before.

_(LESHAWNA looks nervous. __**CUT TO CONFESSIONAL.**__)_

**LESHAWNA: **Okay, look. Gwen's my girl. And Trent's a fine enough boy. But if I'm looking for a billion dollars in cash, I'm playin' things as _smart _as _possible_. Sorry babies.

_(__**CUT BACK. **__Pan to the Killer Bass, where COURTNEY, BRIDGETTE, GEOFF, KATIE and SADIE, DJ and TYLER all sit.)_

**COURTNEY: **I can't BELIEVE we lost the first challenge AGAIN!

**GEOFF: **Didja believe it any less the first five hundred times you said it?  
**COURTNEY: **Well… as _long _as we're doing a rerun of season one…

_(ZEKE comes charging out of the kitchen hall, a link of sausage in his mouth. CHEF follows him angrily.)_

**CHEF: **YOU SPIT THAT OUT PRONTO!

_(ZEKE laughs maniacally before crashing into a tree. CHEF stops)_

What did we do to you, boy.

_(The Bass look to each other knowingly. They know what needs to be done. Cut to the __**CAMPFIRE CEREMONY**__.)_

**CHRIS: **I'm sure THIS place looks familiar. Welcome back to the elimination ceremony, campers! Marshmallows are kind of a commodity around these parts for a budget we blew on a billion dollar prize, so you're gonna have to live with the microwavable hot dogs we kept in the fridge.

_(CHEF holds up some moldy hot dogs. The campers shudder.)_

**HAROLD: **I don't want a weiner.

**CHRIS: **If I call your name, you're safe for the night, and we'll hitcha up with a dog. If you do not receive a weiner, you must IMMEDIATELY return to the dock of shame to catch the boat of losers and leave. That means, you're out of the contest. ...And you can't come back. EVER.

**DUNCAN: **Ever, ever?

**CHRIS: **...Uh-

**TYLER: **Or like, you have a slim chance of getting to come back at the merge ever? Y'know, like season one. And since everything's like season one-

**CHRIS: **YOU'LL SEE WHEN WE GET THERE. We're havin' a moment here. The first weiner… goes to Geoff.

_(CHEF throws GEOFF a wiener.)_

Eva.

_(CHEF throws EVA a wiener.)_

Duncan.

_(CHEF throws DUNCAN a wiener.)_

Katie.

_(CHEF throws KATIE a wiener.)_

Courtney.

_(CHEF throws COURTNEY a wiener.)_

DJ.

_(CHEF throws DJ a wiener.)_

Bridgette.

_(CHEF throws BRIDGETTE a wiener.)_

...Tyler.

_(CHEF throws TYLER a wiener.)_

Harold.

_(CHEF throws HAROLD a wiener. SADIE and ZEKE remain.)_

I've only got one wiener left.

_(DUNCAN and GEOFF snicker.)_

Yeah, yeah. Cough it up, dudes. ...The final wiener goes to…

_(...)_

...Sadie.

**KATIE: **Yaaay!

_(CHEF throws SADIE a wiener.)_

**CHRIS: **Wow. Even in a randomly generated scenario and Zeke's the first to go.

**COURTNEY: **Of course he's the first to go! Nobody wants to be on a team with a wild ANIMAL!

**DUNCAN: **And by that logic, I know who's going next.

**CHRIS: **Chef. Zeke's clearly not gonna go by himself, so if you don't mind?  
_(CHEF grabs his flamethrower. ZEKE runs for the hills.)_

Well, campers, you better get some shuteye… you'll need it for tomorrow!

**GEOFF: **Aw, sleep! ...Hey, what was the second challenge, again?

_(The Bass exit. Pan to the Gophers cabin. GWEN is sitting by herself, alone. CODY sees her, approaching her.)_

**CODY: **Gwen? Hey, what's up?

**GWEN: **I'm not looking to talk.

**CODY: **Oh. ...Yeah, yeah. I get that. That's cool.

_(CODY begins to walk away.)_

**GWEN: **E… everything sucks, okay?

**CODY: **_(Turning back) _Sucks? How?

**GWEN: **...You ever get the feeling everybody's conspiring against you?

**CODY: **Every day of my life.

**GWEN: **Never has this island been so united against me. Doesn't feel like I've got anybody on my side.

**NOAH: **Not everybody.

_(GWEN and CODY turn to see NOAH and OWEN approaching them.)_

**GWEN: **Noah? And Owen?

**OWEN: **Hello.

**NOAH: **Sounds like you're a little cornered. Handy coincidence. We're looking to expand our alliance a little bit.

**OWEN: **Entry fee is complimentary. But giving Owen half of your breakfast is an optional supplementary donation.

_(NOAH elbows OWEN in the stomach.)_

**NOAH: ***Ehem* The two of you are just the kind of team we could use.

**GWEN: **_(Pointing at CODY)_ We don't associate.

**CODY: **Uh, is there anyone else in this alliance?

**NOAH: **...It'd be just the four of us.

**OWEN: **Yeah, no relation to the other allia-

_(NOAH elbows OWEN in the stomach hard.) _

Aaaiiiii-yai-yai-yai!

**GWEN: **The what?

**NOAH: **Nothing. He's food deprived.

**OWEN: **Oh, don't say food! Agh! I said it again! Owww my tummy…

**NOAH: **_(Offering a hand) _Whaddya say?

_(CODY shakes NOAH's hand. A long beat. GWEN shakes NOAH's hand. __**CUT TO CONFESSIONAL.**__)_

**GWEN: **How desperate am I? I'm now on a team with a dork, a food vacuum, and… _Noah_. Somehow we've never talked. He's… kind of a mystery to me. But hey. He's offering votes, and lord knows I could use some of those right now.

_(__**CUT BACK **__to CHRIS.)_

**CHRIS: **WILL the Killer Bass turn this game around in their favor this time around? Will new relationships, new alliances, and new BACK STABBINGS change what you know about the Total Drama you know and love? Will the randomly-generated results start to become INTERESTING ENOUGH TO CONTINUE WRITING ABOUT? Find out… next time! On…

**TOTAL!**

**DRAMA!**

**SIMULATOR!**

_(...)_

_ (Pan to ZEKE being strapped to a boat where the man in the protection suit from before is preparing to take off with him. CHRIS and CHEF are seeing him off.)  
_**MAN: **_(To CHEF) _Wow. One day, huh?  
**CHRIS: **Yep. Said they can't deal with him.

**CHEF:** Buncha ninnies, if you ask me.

**MAN: **...Y'know. There's some… experimental research going around. Still pretty dangerous.

**CHRIS: **Oooh! Dangerous is my mother's maiden name. Do tell.

**MAN: **Basically, there may be a way to… rehabilitate Ezekiel. Suck the feral right out of him.

**CHRIS: **Shift him back to homeschool?

**MAN: **All the way back.

_(CHRIS and CHEF look to each other. They each crack… an evil smile.) _

**TO BE CONTINUED. **


End file.
